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 sarcastic - in nature

We were out walking in the wilderness the other day, when something came ploughing its way deep in the dirt. Suddenly it stuck up its bony head, gave us an inhospitable look and downed a dram. - What is this? we shouted green with anger, and threw ourselves over our ornithology books. - But…er…what? Why, isn't it here?! Old Nick, such fiendish crap!! During our resumed stroll we discovered hordes of birds that we had neither seen nor heard (about) before. Loaded with pity we decided to tell about those poor misjudged wretches who, owing to their sometimes a bit odd behaviour and maybe not always very attractive appearance, have been overlooked in the books of ornithology . Here follows a short presentation of birds that definitely can't be found in any book.

The Meadow-Creeper (Lawnus Shufflis): Here is a species with more than its feet steadily in the soil. It's a rough-necked bugger who can endure almost anything, from gravel in his eyes to rashes all over his body.

Despite its down-to-earth and merry ways, the meadow-creeper is often met with kicks and blows from farmers, who strongly dislike it because of its inclination to ploughing deep ditches in the fields. And though it digs a pit for itself, unfortunately others are more likely to fall in it. The meadow-creeper shares its eating habits with the birds of prey, who are also apt to stuff themselves with all sorts of yucky things. The illegal hunting that the farmers mercilessly are carrying out on the meadow-creeper forces it to go underground for prolonged periods of time, while it takes the opportunity to breed. Distantly related to the cultivator and the hot-dogger.

The Apple-Pincher (Scrumpa Scrumpa): Please meet a little tit whose neatness and formidable cuteness urges you to print up huge posters of him. But all are not saints that go to church! He is a true lout. Already when a little egg he rolls fiercely around in the nest, and bumps into his little siblings so hard that they crack and trickle out through the nest's bottom. Hence the popular child's game 'ride and leak'.

When hatched he wriggles until the nest falls down on the ground, after which he toddles off in resignation. On his first meeting with an apple he becomes so completely unbounded with delight that he falls flat on his back on the ground, where he remains lying until the cat sneaks up to straddle him.

When autumn comes and the apple trees are beaming red, and the planters are beaming red too (but with anger and strain), the apple-pinchers come sweeping like gluttonous thunderclouds. After the careful devastation they return to base contentedly in order to ferment the catch. An efficacious trick to deter them from further plundering is pointing a shotgun at them and pull the trigger. And in addition, it's a nice sport. The apple-pincher is closely related to the sod-offer, the hip-hopper and the nono (who though claims to be non-existent).

The Howl (Cantankeris Hysterica): Are you one those who enjoy waking up to the chirping of birds? Well, that's all over now. The howl has started spreading throughout the country. In the morning it coughs, wheezes and clears its throat for a good while. Then it starts howling for all it is worth, and that's a great deal! The male and the female take turns in eating, in order to leave at least one trachea free.

This is the only viviparous bird species in the world - the loud howling makes the eggs crack and hatch before the female can manage to lay them. This gives her another reason for crying out loud, when the sharp-edged shells have to come out. The male, who thinks she will die when the young, blood and shells trickle out all in a mess, gets completely hysteric. Which doesn't really make him any quieter! And so it goes on…

The Grass Snake Avenger (Sinistris Bullis): A million years ago the first specimen of this species was deceived by a grass snake, which left such a heavy mark on it that the brain mutated into an implacable lump of fat! The one quality evolution has refined in it is vindictiveness and a multitude of stratagems to kill a grass snake. It ignores other snakes completely, but when a grass snake comes in its way - woom! It stamps, cleaves and tears the poor reptile until Death arrives.

Other instincts, such as reproduction and feeding, is often neglected when the supply of grass snakes is good. Therefore it is very rare. But once it does breed, the male builds his nest as far off among the reeds as he can.

He tears it down again immediately while his embarrassed female lays a few eggs in the saucepan he got cheap at Marks & Spencer, where he by the way sometimes wets his whistle when his wife is being visited. The moviestarling, the square dancer and the moonlighter are his closest relatives in the bum-sucker family.

sarcastic